10 Mar


A relationship question that gets asked frequently is, “ When there is conflict, how do you fight fair? ”

First of all, let’s remove the words ‘fight fair’ from the question and insert the words ‘communicate fairly’. Using the word ‘fight’ triggers a thought pattern in your mind that signals you to prepare for negative conflict. In a sense you have already defeated a positive outcome. Your mind at this point is already summoning what it thinks is going to be necessary to win. To win-at-all-costs will be the minds determined outcome. A mindset shift is required first of all for a win-win outcome to even be considered. This shift must take place before effective fair communication can even begin to be a possibility.


Set aside the fight-to-win mentality and adopt a communicate-to-win mentality instead. How do we communicate to win? Here are several things to consider.

  • Determine the Outcome First.  First and foremost, communication needs to conclude in a ‘We Win’ not ‘i win’ if it is to catapult all parties concerned into a better space. The arena has to be safe. A safe arena means all parties concerned must have equal validity so there is safety in sharing thoughts and ideas.
  • Humble yourself.   Humility is the best state to communicate from in a conflict situation. Put the other party’s emotional health first over your own. If you don’t do this on the front end, there is certainly bound to be more serious damage done than needed to be or without legitimate reason.
  • Investigate.  Take time to find out AND understand what is happening in each others personal world and what effects that is causing. Many times the conflict is not being caused by what is being experienced on the surface, but an alternate issue that personal fear is keeping from coming to the forefront for an undisclosed reason. Take time to understand this part and the following point will be the mind blowing positive outcome.
  • Unite.  Having done #1 – 3 sincerely, you now will have found common ground on which together, in a unified state, communication can advance to a mutual victory that will positively affect and strengthen your immediate and future relationship, as well as the relation-ships of others who will be positively affected as you lead the way.


Try talking while slow dancing. It’s harder to have negative conflict when you’re dancing to a pleasant and meaningful song together. Look into each other’s eyes while talking, remembering good things and good times shared together. Dancing takes teamwork so no matter what, do not let go but hang in there until there is peaceful and mutually understanding communication.